More Incoherence

"Experience-life's most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn"-Mark Twain.

It certainly is true is in this case. I know I said that was my last post on it , but I can't really seem to help myself from thinking of the recent chaos that occured in my heart- its coming, its reaching a climax and its going. Yes, it's finally gone. I may have previously said that I was free, but it was freedom not from the shackles of love but rather from my own "mind-forged manacles" that arose due to my certainty that "we" would never work out. What then followed was for a drive to in some way "help" her-what I termed a "Diggory-esque" drive-the concept of the silent protector crap. Consisted of very secret plans to help her,mainly involved poems on the classroom door or carefully authored messages of consolation on her blog's tagboard. One of my tags still remain on her blog but I doubt she actually read it though. So all consuming was this "Diggory-esque" fervour that all my attentions were diverted towards it, including the attention I usually gave to this blog. Apologies to all my readers for ANOTHER long dearth in entries anyways! LOLZ, it takes MUCH more than things like that to do something for someone-a fact that I failed to realise in my disillusioned state. Well, that's love for you!!!

Well, one learns, indeed one learns. I learnt A LOT. A lot about the 3 things that differentiate living beings from empty shells-Life, Love and Learning.

I learnt about life-emotions, distractions, suffering, endurance, enjoyment, and generally how to make it less crappy and more worth your while. Looking back right now it looks much like some kind of adventure, what with the clandestine operations to discover secret information or early arrivals in school to put up dodgy poems. But indeed, NO HUMAN EMOTION CAN EVER HOPE TO COMPARE WITH LOVE. The surge of feelings that caused by something that is wired so intricately into the subconsciousness of us all, that is the most primal instinct of every living being. "The nobleness of life is in love"-hmm...well one must definitely not be another Antony and in the rush of love lose sight of the other things in life. But indeed, love, and you will live as you have never lived before!

I learnt about love. Not just unplatonic love but also platonic love from friends. I've said it before, I say it again-without these guys, the mental hospitals would be much fuller than they currently are. Have a look at the following conversation on MSN between me and one fine example, Sanhita Sejpal...
Me: Anyway thanks again for listening
Sanhita: dont u dare say that agen!!!!!
S: never say thanks ok!!
S: im ur friend!!
S: uw ud d the sme 4 me
S: nxt tyme tell me bout that site so i can see wat ur talkin bout (A/N-Other stuff)
Indeed...I suppose I wouldn't think too much about doing the same thing for you either, no...but the fact remains, my friend, that though along with us both there are alot of people on this world who could do it, there are some who don't and yet you do. So thank you, perhaps not necessarily for listening, but more importantly, for being your fantastic self.

I learnt even about learning itself. Perhaps that I learnt through the experiences and the like. Well, huamans are indeed evolutionarily desgined to learn from experience. And perhaps how to learn. My old Lit teacher from YJ Steven Sim was actually quite right to say if you want to do well in Lit, go get a boy/girlfriend! Start going through all the proposals, the anticipation, the rejection, the whole hog- you'll start failing all your other subjects, but you will start doing well in Lit! LOLZ-too true. I mean, its like right now, as I read Hardy's Return of the Native, I almost feel asif the bok was written for me. Almost every emotional conflict once described n that book, yeap...been there, done that!

I wonder if all of that actually made any sense at all. haha..perhap's I'm just rambling on and on about something I haven't even fully let go of? Don't know, can't be bothered to find out or think about it now. All I'll do is let time and God do their good work once more. Overall though I still think it was good not to confess. So many unpleasantries were averted from that, and she need not undergo the crap of remembering.

And as for you...would you at all come to read this, would you at actually discover that my crazy MSN nicks were all written with you in mind, would at all realise the true irony and how I shared your pain in not just unrequited love...or even if you don't to be honest...I realised how you are a reflection of my inner soul...and how your presence had taught me so much....and how I still want to be there for you should you ever require me! Yet I cannot know if my blind assistance would actually make things worse for you who probably have undergone more than I have...I depart from this boat, and can only hope and pray that time will work for you like it had for me. For indeed you like everyone else is designed not to be falsely happy, drowning yourself in your sorrows in a suffocating facade, but be truly happy, such that you can then spread your wings and let the world experience the power of your name...

Crapz...it's like 5am and I am still not asleep! Oh wells, good night everyone! Will blog more often from now on!!!

Incoherence

I have, after 15 days, finally come to terms with my deplorable situation. Not to say that my dreams aren't still haunted. But I have accepted the inevitable fate that I am doomed to solitude once more.

But I am free. I can continue to live life properly. And the contributions of many must be acknowledged, people who prevented me from reaching that Ophelic state of madness and tided me through this storm. To all these, though most of them do not read this blog, you have my deepest gratitude. The existance of people like you is the very reason why the mental hospitals are not actually as full as they are meant to be.

I still wonder if you read this, if you have actually proved smarter than you actually appear to be. But I have no words left, and no more strength to cry any more. I cannot, shall not, will not interfere with any of your schemes. But I sincerely hope that yours was not as lasting as mine. All I can do now is to wish you all the luck in the world. You, who touched me with a light so mysteriously strong, may you live in happiness for the rest of your days. That you will no longer have to put on once more the facade of a fake smile, but continue smiling with joy that comes truly from the eternal bliss that you so deserve.

This is the last entry concerning this crap. I depart from this boat. I feel like I have survived one of the hardest tests life can deal; survived the onslaught of emotions only such delicious poison can deal...But at last, I am FREE...

I'm still stuck in this stupid rut...it has such a frippin magnetic attraction to me that everytime I manage to climb out of it, I am compelled to jump back inside again, feed myself wih this delicious poison over and Over and OVER again...

I reach for things I know I can never attain...yet can I ever stop dreaming of that thing so out of his reach??? Ceaseless thoughts about something so beautiful, so comforting, so utopian...how ironic that such thoughts would provide me with the overflowing joy and happiness that it would provide others, but crushing doubts and insecurities on what time would hold in store for me...Ahh, time, blessed guardian angel and sole companion in the storms of life, now turned most masterful torturer rivalled only by the lethality of the poison-laced arrows fired by the devil named Cupid, that strike the most vulnerable part of the body which can never be protected, yet whose death or loss causes the injured to want to lie, down in the dust where he came from, wasting away in futile dreams, and hope he wll one day be redeemed by the scythe of the reaper-one of the few probable remedies that exist for something as crazy as this...

我现在才懂得，
幸福是我的，不是你给的，
寂寞由自己负责...

Translation: I now know that happiness is mine to find; not yours to give, and that loneliness solved by yourself alone... My head has understood this fact for a very long time. And in times like this, my heart needs to as well.

Will try to resume normal blogging soon...

One worry outta the way

One worry outta the way...Stats S1 exam-92/100, 12 marks above an A. Yay! This means I don't need to retake it come June.

But that's the least I'm thinking about right now. Lots of others....forming a disconcerted melange of crap, crap and more and more crap....I can't write now. Can't think, can't work, can't write no frippin nothing but crap, crap and more and More and MORE crap!!! That didn't make sense I know. Darn it man...sorry, I just can't sort myself out right now....

Time- oh my blessed guardian angel and sole companion in the stoms of life, swallow me up in your healing light once more!!!!

More on Christianity

*N/B: This post builds up upon what I was talking about in the previous post, so you may want to read that first...*

"Ask any religious person how they know there is a God and they will be stuck."---Well, almost any religious person it seems. Look at this. I begin to wonder if hardcore scientific evidence for Christianity actually has already been discovered. Hmm...

I must start reading the Bible-I haven't seriously read it since primary school. And besides, it kicks butt even in terms of Literary value alone, so why ever not???

Comments or suugestions anyone? Do tag!!!

Christianity

I think I've sorta gotten up already, but my feet are still shaking, as is my entire body from this frippin cold. I can't be everyone else's guardian angel when we weren't intended as such. But no, people can't be faulted for simply being themselves even though being as such gets in your way pisses you off. I say again that time will do its good work, and somewhere in the coming days I'll be my usual self again. Though hopefully a slightly wiser self, so that the next time this crap happens will be an even longer way away. Time to talk about Christianity. I'll try my best not to make it preachy...

Whenever anyone preaches about their religion to others, the fact remains that they cannot avoid making assumptions because they are using an arguement based essentially on the heart. Ask any religious person how they know there is a God and they will be stuck. Their answers will never address the subject matter because they have nothing to prove it other than the fact that they have, according to them "felt" this God. And by using an arguement that logical people will find extremely hard to believe upon first hearing it, they expect people to join their religion and often get extremely pushy about it! In the end, the person whom they are trying to convince more often than not leaves the preacher's company, shaking his head and wondering if the appearance of such immeasurably stupid people on this earth who seem to be willing to lap up everything that is thrown at them spells impending doom for all mankind. And of all religions, Christianity seems to be by far the religion that has been most anxious to conert othres. Thus, countless times of repeating this process probably explains why some people find it the most irritating thing on this earth.

The reason why I believe in this, however, is because I discovered it myself. I was a Christian since birth, but only by name. It is only since last year that I have....what would they call it...."developed myself spiritually". And there were only 2 players in this-me and God (I have not stepped into a Church since 2003). And I cannot help to wonder if this is why it could actually work for me. You see, I too have had a fair share of hearing others preach-people did that to me in Secondary school. The subject of contention was magic in fantasy stories-mainly in Harry Potter, and classmates actually tried to get me to chuck out my newly ordered HP book 5. Everywhere I look I see exactly why Christians are labelled as being "holier-than-thou"-especially when trying to defend their religion. When a pastor said he found 50 arguements against evolution, he failed, mainly because he based everything on very weak assumptions. And when I visited this site they actually said somewhere that "the fires of hell will be a bitter reality to those who do not repent". Ohh...I see...a THREAT!? Besides, God certainly did NOT want people to go to Him just by THAT!

I find all this very stupid. Because I think I speak for all Chrsitians on this earth when I will make this contract:-

I, MARCUS TAN PENG JIE, CURRENT SELF-DECLARED CHRISTIAN, PROMISE UPON MY HONOUR, LIFE AND SOUL THAT IF ANY IRREFUTABLE EVIDENCE EMERGES PROVING THAT CHRISTIANITY IS FALSE, I WILL IMMEDIATELY STOP BEING ONE, AND WILL DO ALL IN MY POWER TO SPREAD TO OTHERS THE MESSAGE THAT CHRISTIANITY IS INDEED FALSE.

All of you can be my witness. I said it here. The truth is out there. All we need to do is find it. If Christianity is indeed false, I am confident that evidence will emerge disproving it, or perrhaps another religion. The converse is also true. Its a serious thing I just pledged myself to (Hello? Honour, life and soul?), and I'm getting palpitations from the mere thought of it. Yet everyday I live I become more convinced that I will never have to carry out any of that, because one day, the truth, as I believe in it, will emerge.

My Christianity is a simple one-to-one relationship with God built solely upon prayer and currently totally devoid of the glitzy rituals of the church. I do not conform to any strict guidelines of Christianity like not eating meat every Friday or the like. All I do is live a life of passion moderated by reason-a personal set of principles created between me and God and no one else. And if anything I do is wrong, I know He will somehow let me know. Aethists will flog me for living in my own fantasy religion, and even devout Christians may flog me for not totally living the Chrsitian life. But to me, it's personal-and perhaps that is what makes it such a truly worthwile religion...no, relationship for me.

There are many other things I wanted to talk about. Like The Da Vinci Code. Perhaps a quick run-through I will elaborate on in future. There are 2 main points I've gleaned from watching a programme here called "The Real Da Vinci Code"...

1) The guy actually found the Priory of Sion to be a TOTAL SETUP. Apparently, all the parchment was actually FAKED by someone called Sherazade. Apparently, he himself confessed to the fact that it was supposedly some surrealist concept to be taken only as a joke, used solely to give credibility to his (false) claim that he was Merovingian!

2) There was an Italian story which actually mentioned the conept of "the grail" being a large golden plate that was used in the last supper. And before, that, it is found that there has NEVER been any historical references to ANY form of Grail!

3) A Leonardo Da Vinci expert also claims that The Da Vinci Code gives a wrong interpretation of the painting "The Last Supper". He found the entire concept that Leonardo would take so much trouble to hide any religious meaning in it "ludicrous". And when talking about the "V"-shape that supposedly represents the chalice, he feels that because letters can be extracted anywhere from all paintings, it does not have any special significance.

Now I'm no expert in history, but I think it hard that such a wide-reaching programme can lie about something as earth-shattering as this and not draw flack because of it. So, what has basically been said here, is that the historical fact that The Da Vinci Code is based on is false!!!

"Everyone loves a conspiracy"-indeed...

Poisoned by Love

I have totally lost control of myself, and along with that the ability to pen my thoughts down in a properly coherent way. I must therefore apologise to all my loyal readers because I am going to leave this blog un-updated for a while as if I do try to update it all that is going to come out is undecipherable shite. Be back in perhaps....dunno? A week at the most I think. Just enough to let time and God do their good work.

I think this is currently wasted on me. At least its not in another week's time....

Crappy Poetry

It is 2am in the morning and having just completed an essay on poetry my emotions are on high and I have decided to come up with the following...shite. Written in under 30mins, so please excuse the crappy quality.

Cupid-Masterful Torturer
Rosy-cheeked devil armed with a bow,
wielding arrows of purest poison
that rip through your heart,
leaves it bleed to death,
makes you go mad, trapped
in the prison of your mind.

Now I know why hearts are red.
They're stained, smeared, sullied
by blood we bled for nought,
by rancid sweat that eats their wounds,
by tears we cried to ourselves alone,
and needless toil,overworked, they choose
to let the blood in them go.

Dare you thnk who you really are,
what you cause in others you see?
The pain they feel through that evil machine.
Fool-an easy favour we ask of you.
Fly into a poisoned heart,
and enjoy the hell you caused, burned
by flames of needless passion.

For the record, I never bother to make any conscious effort in making my poems rhyme. The idea of forcing a word into something sounds a bit of a waste of time to me.