Coping in a Land with an Obvious Lack of Sashimi

*Some but not all of this article, this sentence included, is entirely true and has not been exaggerated to produce any comic effect.*

-Open the box if you haven't done so already. Save yourself the trouble and grab a small knife to do it-the plastic's too bothersome to open with your bare hands.

-Soak in the smell of the freshness. Take it slow, take a moment or two to appreciate it concentrate on its fullness, and let it take you wherever it leads your mind to. For a smell, like a picture, paints a thousand words-an instantaneous burst of countless reactions and corresponding associations that beggars any and all description-it must be smelt to be believed.

-Pick one out from the box. Observe its shape- the near perfect circle with its tapering end. Observe its feel-firm and ever so slightly soft. Last but most importantly, observe its colour-deep red stripes that surround spots that alternate with a pure white background. Take in the contrast of colours in red and white-the extent of the contrast is one of the most telling signs of the quality of your food. Now that you have seen the ultimate level of perfection, keep it it your head, so that you may choose the best set when you are next able to buy some more. Such shall be your secret technique that you shall henceforth use to purchase the finest gourmet food available that your dollar or pound will allow. Take care not to reveal it, however, lest your pesky brother from it starts inferring from it how you sound like a housewife. If this can be countered with his wee girlfriend saying that you look like a scientist however, then that is good and fine. I'm sure you'll agree, however, that it's best not to take chances like that.

-Dip it into the liquid found in the box to moisten it slightly. Now bite it, and experience the climax that you have before this been wasting so much to prepare for. But I'm sure you'll agree it to be worth-it. Taste-strongest of all the senses that this of all foods is specially designed for. Let the essence of seafood that it exudes with every bite flood your soul once more. It was for me a journey back to my quaint little home in Singapore, gathered in front of homemade steamboat with my family, dining on something that was probably much nicer and less processed, yet something that I for some strange reason had then failed to appreciate. No matter-eccentricity once made a guy who spent his time aseiling in a pink elephant suit live up to 110 years old.

-Repeat the process until satisfied. Other than the tail end that posesses a special crunch, there is not much left in terms of food to talk about anymore. Do not rush the food-keep it for later if necessary. But should you finish everything, there still exists one more moment of bliss-the remainder of the liquid. This is the ESSENCE of the meat that makes it so good-do NOT waste it if you can at all help it. You should be able to act how ever you want, so drink it all up right from the box, slurping optional. When I say that you should be able to do this, I mean that neither Her Royal Highness nor any other posh person who invites you to a meal will consider it diginified to give you processed, ready-made food right from the box, no matter how nice the food may be. However, if you land yourself in exceptional circumstances, mix some unflavoured rice or pasta into the box, and eat it from there. This, however, SHOULD be avoided at ALL costs, because 1-neither pasta nor rice is suited to be eaten with such a watery gravy. The starchiness of it will drown out the taste. 2, it does not soak it up properly. For reasons given above it is not likely you will need to act posh with table manners when eating this. Hence, do NOT sacrifise taste for flimsy non-existent concepts of poshness or table manners. Drink the soup right from the box, and when done and over, dispose of the box in a responsible manner. Ignore the evil microbes that make the food and rubbish in your house stink to high heaven-they've had more than their share. Think instead of the nitrifying bacteria that live in the soil. Amino Acids and proteins are a primary source of Nitrogen for them. So leave the pack in a patch of soil and let the Nitrosomonas and Nitrobacter there, which help in one of the world's most important ecological cycles, enjoy the flavour that you had previously enjoyed. Thank you.

And THAT, my friends, is the art of appreciation of quality Gourmet food in the form of Sainsbury's Taste The Difference King Prawns, or how to make your dollar or pound last. 5 POUNDS OR 15 SINGAPORE DOLLARS A BOX IS NOT CHEAP YOU KNOW!!! Yes I know, I am being cheap. But I am comforted by many of my Indian friends through the knowledge that I'm not alone. So this makes me part of the Patel or Shaw crew you ask? Neither-Tan crew for me I'd say. Perhaps a Kinomoto or Daidouji crew on one of my more giddyheaded days. Yes I know my spending prowess is absolutely nothing compared to Tomoyo just yet, but that's beside the point.

Though of course money is not half as important as the fact that one should enjoy his food. Besides, those prawns DIED to give you food, you know!!! Just GULPING them down whole like what most people do-doesn't do much justice to the creature does it? Indeed Ms Beautifuk, you've not quite convinced me to vegetarianism or veganism yet, but you have made me look at my food in a whole new light.

You may also be proud to learn that awareness of cruelty to animals is fast increasing here. Advertisments all about it have been appearing, and the big supermarket chains have hence been riding the tide and chucking in stickers like FREE-RANGE CORN-FED RSPCA-APPROVED CHICKEN (which my Mum buys on a regular basis), or mad slogans like:-

Sainsbury's SO Organic Prawns- Hand-Caught Prawns, farmed to reduce Environmental Damage"

Sainsburys has 4 types of prawn, you see-Taste the Difference, SO Organic, Normal and Basics. Basics an an evil euphemism designed that means that it's low price, which calls into question the method they use to cut price. 99% of Basics food is clearly sub-standard- in both other products and prawns. Excessively small SHRIMPS (and they dare to say just a little smaller!? Gotta admire their advertising!) that are FROZEN, WTF!? and have such LITTLE colouration (Remember? Contrast of colours=good prawn) you HAVE to wonder WHAT are they doing in order to cut costs!!!? Mutated shrimps that are caught with nets that are dumped into the sea after use, then made to grow a little faster by eating toxic sludge composed of chemists' failed attempts to create a new radioactive element and is therefore free-the remainder of which is then buried in the neighbourhood playground no doubt! And they DARE to use the advertising tactic that implies care for the environment!?BLOOMING HYPOCRITES!!!!

And perhaps even MORE tellingly, they FAIL to include a picture of their product when I went looking for it on their shopping list!!! Ashamed of their products already-and they expect people to buy it!?

All they have evidently been trying to do is make a chain of food that appeals to all-rich people, normal people, environmentally conscious people and poor people. Companies USUALLY are concerned with nothing but sales-which is why I can't totally buy any goody-goody slogan like that. But seriously Sansbury's-because of my momentary pleasure with your Taste The Difference Kng Prawns, I will forgive you today. Fail to lower your prices for them, however, and I will personally smuggle all those Uranium, Meitnerium and Ununquadium that you buggers have buried deep in the playgrounds into your foods, hence causing a countrywide mutation scare that I will sue you guys for till your pants have fallen off, hence exposing the extra few growths that you suddenly obtained overnight in between your legs. You have been warned.

BTW: Yeap, my 18th Birthday has passed, you noticed. This is not good. It implies that bus fares will soon be much more expensive for me.